I understand. Absolutely. I get it, I do.
I understand how scary the truth can be.
Many of us, so many of us, we spend an inordinate amount of time desperately avoiding it.
And that’s ok. Sometimes we are just not ready.
But there are times that it simply can’t be avoided. And when we toil away staying busy denying what we know to be true in our hearts and in our bones, well, it has a way of catching up to us.
Being fake is exhausting. Being phony isn’t fun. We get to a place where we can’t even stand the sound of our own voice or the reflection in the mirror. It can make us ill.
But it gets better.
How do I know? I just do. We are all alike in so many ways.
I’ve done it, avoided the truth.
I’m doing it now, in some way. We all are.
There is something deep inside each one of us that we are afraid to admit.
And that’s so ok. It’s part of the journey. Uncovering those truths and loving ourselves still. It’s all part of the journey.
I’ll never forget the time I told my ex-husband that I was having an affair with his best friend. We were in the guest bedroom of our small craftsman home in Clarksville. It was a rainy day outside, no sun was shining. We were in that room because I’d recently moved out and taken the master bedroom bed. We were separating supposedly to see if it would make things in our crumbling marriage better. We both knew it would not. I remember seeing the sting in his steel blue eyes that he quickly averted as my words landed. I remember the weight and sharpness of the lump of coal in my throat and queasiness like sloshing acid in my stomach as I awaited his reaction. I remember the feeling of the instant heaviness between us and the sheer, devastating stab of pain as he said, “Well, I’m going to take a shower now. You can let yourself out,” as he left the room, closing the bathroom door behind him, the finality of that gesture, the closed door. The sinking dread of being so quickly dismissed, knowing in my heart that it was over now.
Yes, I felt relief at having come clean. But I also felt ashamed, humiliated, and disgusted with myself. The affair hadn’t been going on long. I was eager to come clean, to get it off my chest, to show him the truth of what I’d become in his absence (work had taken him to the west coast for much of the summer). Part of me felt like he deserved this betrayal in his unwillingness to face what was going on in our marriage, part of me, a very ugly part of me that I’m loathe to own, wanted him to see what would happen if he just kept turning a blind eye to our ugly truth. But I was young and ignorant in so many ways.
Many events unfolded after this confession. My ex & I divorced. I was fired from my job. I found a new one. I had a baby with my then boyfriend, our former mutual best friend. That relationship didn’t work out as a couple but we are friends now and co-parenting with a greater level of respect than I would have ever imagined possible in my late 20s. My ex found a new and loving relationship that he is still in today with multiple kids and happy careers.
Why am I offering this story? Because I feel like truth is something we all struggle with. And I feel like it is key to our development, to our happiness as humans and to our code of honor and integrity — something that, coincidentally, I feel Memorial Day is all about — Honor.
If you look up the definition of the word Honor, one offering is: respect; admiration, esteem.
Without truth, there is no honor. What truth do you need to own in order to be able to allow yourself honor? You are worthy of being able to extend yourself admiration. We all are. What do you need to do in order to be able to feel honor?
Struggle is part of the journey. It makes us who we are today. Mistakes are actually not mistakes at all. They are what help us become — loving, generous, honest, strong, kind, supple, and full… full of truth and honor. You are not alone. Lean into your truth. Get comfortable with it. Seek help if you need it. We are all in this together.
I found this one amazing article today in preparation for our Honor class. It said so often in life so many of us spend our lives trying to get what we want. But there are many people who give up everything just to protect what they love. I’ll close with that. It seems appropriate. Much love and honor to you today and every day. You are worthy.