Now, I find it difficult to be as vulnerable and open as I once insisted on being. The truth is it’s f&*%ing terrifying to be so. Something about becoming business owner made me clam up a touch… I think it’s because I am in such a perpetual state of new, unchartered territory… I witness my comrades/co-horts/peers in their way of being. As always, those who inspire me the most are those who are stepping up and being fully seen. Now. As in, wherever they are in this moment.
One of my friends/peers/mentors-from-afar, Jen Pastiloff – she teaches that it’s the thing we most fear saying that will connect us to others. I wholeheartedly believe this. It’s the thing we are most deeply hiding that other’s will resonate with the most, that will cause the greatest shift, that will help one and all. Because that’s the thing we need to air out, to expose, to expunge, to release, to embrace, to accept, to embody, to honor… So that it will no longer hold us in it’s power. So it will no longer have a stranglehold/a chokehold/a vice grip around our neck.
Shine the light in the shadows…
So here goes…
I am constantly worried I am not good enough to do what I am currently doing. What if’s keep me up all night most nights, grinding my jaw, jacking up my precious crowns on my oh so sensitive molars.
What if I can’t pay the bills?
What if I I fail?
What if all I do here is rack up a mountain of debt and a massive story of shame?
What if I simply am not good enough to live up to my obligations?
But then, I breathe. And I reach for — Wait for it… Yes! Gratitude. And instantly, relief. No matter what happens: So be it. At least I am trying… Yes, I am putting myself fully out there.
And you know what? None of those what if’s are about the Now. Not one.
The truth is this endeavor, becoming a small business owner, being mommy to a not-so-little copper and plywood baby with vaulted ceilings and massive windows… It’s been one of the greatest, most challenging, most humbling, most enlightening journey’s of my life to date.
Yes, it feels like I work around the clock.
Yes, I feel guilty that every time I stand up from the couch my daughter says, “You gotta go work?”
Yes, sometimes I long for simpler tasks with simpler goals and less tangible consequences…
But really, I love being here. Here. In this office. Where I am sitting right now. This triangular shaped office with a buddha statue that I bought in the ‘Fish bowl decoration’ section of PetSmart and the Lucky Bamboo I bought for another local new studio but I have not had the time to take it to them since the one time I popped by months ago and class was in session.
I love this space.
Something about it makes me warm and fuzzy inside. Not just the heat setting which is 88 degrees on the thermometer. Deeper warmth. Soul stirring warmth. Like I’m getting a hug from my mom warmth. Like my heart must be smiling warmth. Like true peace.
It’s new. It’s a baby. It’s not even a toddler yet. And it’s perfect to me in every way. Just like the way you feel about a newborn. Strangers might look at your baby and think it’s a bit funny looking but to you, it’s the most beautiful, breathtaking, live bit of perfection you could ever imagine with perfect toes and perfect fingers and perfect uber-soft skin and breath you could swear must be as sweet as an angels.
Like that kind of love.
And to be able to share something that makes me feel so happy inside, well, that is kind of mind blowing.
Even if I am learning every single way in which I self deceive, self sabotage and self mutilate.
Even if I am seeing sides of myself that I have long since pretended weren’t there, tendencies to blame, to hide, to resist…
Even if I am often in a complete and total forlorn state of mystery as to what the heck is next…
It’s still something that makes me happy. Every single class I teach, every single class I take, every time I sign up a new student or hand out a brochure, I feel happy.
And so I choose to Be Here Now. In this moment. With the sheer paradox of terror and delight that I might not be able to fulfill my own expectations… and then again, I might just exceed them. But either way, it doesn’t matter.
What matters is enjoying this moment. Right now.
And right now, I am doing my best. Right here. Right now. With you. Shining the light in the shadows. Stepping into freedom.
And there is plenty right now.
Plenty of students.
Plenty of work.
Plenty of growth. Right here. Right now.
Nothing to worry about. Nothing at all. In the now.
There are so many major things happening on this planet in this moment. All I can do is be here. Fully. With love and kindness and forgiveness. And yes, absolutely, with joy. Joy for no reason and every reason all wrapped up together. Now.